The Oakie News May 2014

We all gathered at Walmersley Golf Course for the first match of the new summer league, we had bacon barms and a brew, Camel Cheeks had a full breakfast, Bulb had 2 barms with an egg on each  as well. Mr Anorexic managed just to have a bacon barm, (he had already had a Chinese warmed up from the night before) and Warbies Thick Sliced veggie burger was a weetabix on toast. The weather was dry, the course looked in great nick.  We could all tell it was the start of the summer season, coz Penfold had shed one layer of thermal underwear, and we were all set for a great game of golf. Guru didn't look all tanned after his short break in Fuerteventura, (I think he must have spent it in the shadow of his wife’s thumb) it was good to see Mr Anorexic back into the golfing fold, (Even though he forgot the name discs) and also a warm welcome back to Lee Majors, who was ready for action, welllll...  as ready for action has you can be with 3 new knees, 2 new hips, etc. Sandbasher got us all under way with a tee shot that was only 2 clubs short from being a good un (who would have thought it Sandbasher & short in the same sentence!) and the summer season had started in earnest.

The first tee had Sandbasher, Penfold, and Stroller, Things were going fine for the Owd Sandbasher, until he took a 7 on a par 3,  Stroller had his usual steady game, a couple of 8’s & 7’s with a 2 thrown in on the 8^th, Penfold said he had played really well, apart from putting 2 O/B on the second on his way to a TEN, oh & the 2 he put in the water. & the one in the tree... & the one he lost on the fairway. etc,

The second tee saw BetTrev, Bulb, and Boycie, Bulb grossed 3 figures, not one part of his game was good, apart from his chips, (and they got passed around in the club house when he went to the toilet) Boycie decided to give one of his putting master classes, he showed us 42 times actually, he was tremendous from tee to green and then his game went to pieces chucking in FIVE 3 putts along with TWO 4 putts. BetTrev always drives it a mile, and played quite well, even with the daggers still in his back from the Guru’s looks after the 2 pot fiasco.

The third tee saw Mr Anorexic, Camel Cheeks, Lee Majors and Guru. As Guru approached the tee, you could see the trepidation after the horror of the 109 gross on his last visit to the course, it was imprinted all over his face and in the skid marks on his pants.

 Lee Majors and Mr Anorexic shared a buggy, Lee Majors went out of bounds on the 17^th, 

Mr Anorexic, “That’s O/B Lee, play another” .. Woosh..  “That’s O/B again Lee, play another”.. Woosh.. That’s O/B again Lee, play another.

Lee Majors “Who put an O/B there anyway? It’s no use to anyone”

Guru, “What’s no use is you hitting it in the same place 3 time’s!”

 In their match play game Mr Anorexic was 2 up with 4 to play, So Camel Cheeks brought out his ace card and announced City were losing 2 – 0 to Liverpool, this threw Mr Anorexic and Camel Cheeks won the match 2 up.

In the 4^th & final group we had, Hans Christian Connett, Thick Sliced, Brains and Mr Etiquette.  Hans Christian couldn`t get to his ball on one hole, so he did a one handed trick shot, before tapping in for a par,. Thick Sliced did his pre shot routine were he threatens to hit the ball 4 or 5 times before he actually hits the ball, and everyone wonder’s which swing is gonna make contact.  

Brains came in with another great score, which leaves Defending Division 1 champion Mr Etiquette who was his normal jovial self with a smile from ear to ear,  

Well done to the Guru, for putting his demons to bed and scoring a tremendous 68 nett to take the overall honours, Brains put the horror of  his 14 on the last at Bolton Old Links behind him to post a 1 under par 70 to claim the Runner up spot

                        Bulb counts his fingers just to make sure he's not from Breightmet and Guru gets his cock out on the table..

                                        Hard lines to Lee Majors just saving Bulb from the wig and horse shoe by just the one shot.

Thought of the day.. Bulb, “I think I need a break from golf” after a 7 on the first par 3 and finishing with a gross of 100.

Reet then, who made a solid start to the league campaign, who is in for a long battle to avoid going down with Sam Dingle?

In Division 1 The Golfing Guru got off to flyer with a superb 3 under par 68 & 6pts in the bag, a fine 1 under par 70 & 5pts for newly promoted Brains, BetTrev made a solid start with a 1 over 72 for 4pts, Sandbasher’s 7 on the par 3 14^th ruined his card a 77 but not his points tally 3pts for the Captain, our reigning division 1 champion Mr Etiquette began his defence with 80 & 2pts snatching 5^th place & the final bonus points on a card count back, beating Penfold who also had 80 plenty to look back on for the wee man but just the 1pt, the other 1 point wonders were Camel Cheeks with 82, Stroller 85 & a woeful 88 from Bulb.

 In the Division 2 mini league Hans Christian Connett took the maximum 6pts with a 4 over 75, A 80 got 5 pts for our Anorexic hermit on his long awaited return, 4pts on a card count back for Warbies Thick Sliced with a 81, 3pts for Boycie also with 81 as he settles comfortably to life in Division 2, finally 2pts for Lee Majors 89 on his return from his 3^rd successful new knee replacement.

Who had The Most Shots on a Hole?

Limp forward

LEE MAJORS

14 on the 347yd Par 4 17^th.

Unfortunately this has also got Lee Majors in to the dreaded Round from Hell nudging out Mark Keegan’s 14 on the 424yd par 4 17^th at Garstang due to the shorter yardage

Match Play Results

In Group A, Hans Christian Connet toasted Warbies Thick Sliced 5 & 3

In the Group of Death, Camel Cheeks beat Mr Anorexic 2up whilst in the battle of the giants Sandbasher beat Penfold 3 & 1

In Group C, Guru beat Lee Majors & BetTrev beat Bulb both winning 5 & 4

In Group D, Brains beat Mr Etiquette 5 & 3

League tables & the Match play groups  & The Round from Hell are on the website www.oakiegs.com

Handicap changes after Walmersley

Guru 3 under Par loses 0.7 now playing off 12

Brains 1 under Par loses 0.3 now playing off 12

Penfold gains 0.1 now playing off 17

Camel Cheeks gains 0.1 now playing off 12

Bulb gains 0.1 now playing off 13

Mr Etiquette gains 0.1 now playing off 20

Warbies Thick Slice gains 0.1 now playing off 15

Onto Knott End, and the first major major, (Have developed a stutter?) The Elmer Fudd Challenge Trophy Sponsored by Sam Dingle.

During the week Guru had been passing Knott End, as you do, it being in the middle of nowhere ‘n all, called into the club to pick the cards up, (save a bit of time on the day, by spending a hour beforehand writing them all out,) whilst there he scoped the place out, saw loads of towels in the locker room, decision made, no need to take a towel.

Sam Dingle had a bit of a tiff with his wife the night before, Sam had stomped upstairs to his ironing room overlooking the conservatory, whilst he was muttering to himself as he did the ironing he shouted to Jill “What’s the weather like for tomorrow?” Jill replied “You’re in for a good day it’s going to be lovely all day”

Everyone was in a great mood for the first major of the season, and we were all on our best behaviour, well nearly, it is the Oakies. Would the sun continue to shine, would Guru have remembered to bring the score cards, would we get Mr Anorexic away from his panini sticker album to try out his new Winny putter grip, who would be taking home the wooden spoon.

Sandbasher refused to get into Sam Dingles van due to the new seat covers.

Within 10 seconds of seeing them, they were ripped off and thrown into the bin

Mr Anorexic brought out the new name discs with nicknames rather than proper names, but didn't ask anyone for “swapsys” for his sticker book, the bacon barms and full breakfast were going down a treat, we were just about to do the draw in the club house when. WTF.. Who’s that driving across the fairway?  

Anyway as I was saying the draw was due to be done, Sandbasher, BetTrev, & Sam Dingle where all in the first tee.

The second tee saw Brains, Guru, & Thick sliced.

The third was Boycie, Penfold & Stroller.

The last tee was made up of Lee Majors, Mr Anorexic, Camel Cheeks & Bulb...  WTF? It’s coming back... BetTrev’s car once again could be seen crossing the fairway.         

We all headed for our clubs, Guru headed for the pro shop to get the score cards for the day (yip he’d forgot them), the weather was really kind no wind, warm and dry. We took a quick practice on the putting area before Captain Sandbasher got us under way, and the first major of the year was live.

Heading back to the club house after the first 9 holes everyone must have thought they had a score that would see them avoid the first tee in the afternoon session, and give them a good start for the afternoon. But everyone else had scored well too, and the lowest score for the morning session was 15! During lunch talk turned to St Annes and the last Captains weekend, Mr Anorexic said he laughed that much all his ABS were hurting, (That’s a bit like Brains and Dingle complaining they've lost their comb)   Bulb told us how he half balled his tee shot, that ran, and ran and ended up winning the N/P

Back out for the afternoon session, and the clouds came rolling in, on the practice green Guru jumped straight into action jogging over to Sam Dingle and commenced giving him a putting lesson, (The blind leading the blind) The afternoon session started with everyone trying to avoid the wooden spoon and make a push for the trophy it really was that close. Then the rain started and the waterproofs came out, all apart from Dingle’s, who didn't bring his. As the rain got heavier Sandbasher said, “I've got a hat here if you want it Sam?” It was a bright red little sun hat and looked like a red smartie on a plate, “That's miles better, I feel like I'm in the Algarve” Sam said. Penfold was tucked under his brolley, looking like a mushroom on the fairway. Jill was sat at home laughing her tits off.

Was that thunder we could all here? No, it was Mr Anorexic shaking the locked toilet door bursting for a crap at the 11^th.  When he had finished, the warning went out avoid the toilets for while.

Sandbasher asked “Who has got the nearest the pin on the 12^th?”

 Penfold replied “Mr Andrex”

On the 15^th, Sandbasher shouted, “Ring the bell Sam”, Sam pushed the bell, nothing happened, he stuck his head up inside the bell, “There's no hammer in here.”  he shouted.

Sandbasher, “Well bang it on'th thingy” (meaning the stand)

Sam, “Thingy... (waving to Penfold) come here”

Bulb and Camel Chops shared a buggy, which allowed them to check forward before they took their shots so they could avoid any hazards and give them a better line in. They must have clocked some miles up and down the fairways.

As people made their way back to the club house, with a reasonable score, they must have thought they had scored enough points to avoid the wooden spoon, but the high scoring continued to come in. Stroller was desperate to find someone who had scored less than him and went straight in for the safest option, “how's Sam Dingle done?”

Who won what, who came where & who left with the wooden spoon?

                      Camel Cheeks took home the spoils a superb 23pts in the morning & a steady 35pts in the afternoon

                                     Runner Up Boycie (21pts & 35pts) 56pts pushed him all the way till he blobbed the last 2 holes

                                                52pts & 3^rd place for the Golfing Guru (17 & 35) beating 

The first four ball saw Mr Anorexic share a buggy with Lee Majors. Bulb and Brains