The Oakie News July 2014

A nett 71 was enough to win the day for the Golfing Guru.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    

Runner Up Mr Etiquette

At the other end of the scale we had Stroller who we feel is getting rather fond of the wig, 101 gross included 55 on the back 9!!

Who had The Most Shots on a Hole

Step forward

Not once but twice

Jimmy Pedro Shaw

9 on the 381yd Par 4 2^nd & 9 on the 513yd Par 5 15th

Handicap Changes after Boysnope

Golfing Guru 1under Par loses 0.2 still off 12

We’ve reached the half way stage of the league season, has anybody made a move at the top, would Camel Cheeks be left marooned in deep doodah, would Sam Dingle be dragged into the bottom 2, would it really matter as only 2 in the mini league could be arsed turning up?

Division 1

6pts for Guru his 71 taking him up to 2^nd in the league, a 73 and a much needed 5pts for Mr Etiquette & up to mid table, 4pts after a 75 up to top spot for BetTrev, 76 & 3pts for Bulb leaves him in 5^th place but only 4pts off the top, 77 & 2pts for Sandbasher drops him down to 3rd

Now for the 1 pointers, Brains drops to 4^th after a 78, Penfold stays in relegation trouble only 2 pts above the bottom 2 after a 82, our wig fetishist brought up the rear with a 83 Stroller is now level on points on 7 with Sam Dingle, Camel Cheeks is 1pt behind at the bottom.

Mini League

Lee Majors 78 gave him the 6pts & up to 2^nd, 3pts behind Boycie whose 79 gave him 5pts.

Matchplay Results

Group A

Stroller got a walkover against Hans Christian Sore Thumb Connett to join Warbies Thick Sliced in the Quarter Finals

Group B

Penfold also had a walkover after Mr I can’t be arsed letting anybody know Anorexic didn’t turn up, Penfold joins Sandbasher in the Quarters

Group C

BetTrev & Bulb already through

Group D

Brains beat Boycie 2 & 1 to go through with Mr Etiquette who had a walkover against Arkwright.

Quarter Finals

Warbies Thick Sliced v Penfold

Sandbasher v Stroller

BetTrev v Mr Etiquette

Brains v Bulb

Minor Places

9^th – 12^th

Hans Christian Connett v Camel Cheeks

Guru v Boycie

13^th – 16^th

Sam Dingle v Mr Anorexic

Lee Majors v Arkwright

On to Houghwood golf club, for our 3^rd major of the season, this one was sponsored by, “Mr Trevor Orrell, Esq” A massive thanks to BetTrev for helping fund the days golf. As the day started it was plain to see that there would once again be no shortage of incidents to keep our news letter over flowing. Dingle turned up 1 hour early, (he was on his jollies when we changed the meeting times) The world cup sweep was done by Guru, the bacon barms got ravished by all, (we must look like a swarm of locust at times) and It wasn't long before Hans spotted the Dingle look-a-like..  

 Tweedle Dee                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        

 Dingle Dum

On to the first tee, everyone had to show their balls to each other, (I really do think this camaraderie thing is going a bit too far these days) and away we went, Capend, I mean Captain Sandbasher went wide right... BetTrev went wide left... and Dingle skimmed the water, through a tree, into a forest. Del Boy spoiled it by going down the middle. The members must have been really impressed with our start. When we got onto the first green,  Sandbashers putt looked certain to go in but the ball hung on to the edge of the cup and just refused to drop, it seemed to be straining to hang on, but hang on it did, costing him another point.

The second tee, saw Bulb, Penfold, Hans Christian Connett, and Camel Cheeks. This tee saved our blushes by getting off the tee with no major incidents to report.  Although Penfold and the rest of his four ball did spend more time in the long grass, bushes and trees than most horticulturist, looking for balls. This pattern continued throughout the day, even the lads from the tee in front helped with the tracking.   

3^rd tee away was made up of Mr Anorexic, Brains, Lee Majors, and Arkwright. Mr Anorexic is playing quite well at the moment and thought he stood a good chance with the weather and the greens being so good. It was good to see Arkwright back amongst the fold, Steve had a “go anywhere” buggy but still walked when he could. Brains looked confident and if he got his head in gear, stood a good chance of being in the final 4 ball.

And bringing up the rear, (woOOo, Matron)  was Boycie, Stroller, Mr Etiquette, and Guru. The Golfing Guru didn't disappoint us as he approached the tee, dressed for the occasion, (I still cant work out if he has a wardrobe or a chuffin dressing up box) It always looks like the Circus has come to town on a major with Guru. Then he gave us a real treat with his drive, that went righter than right, in fact his drive went off to the right, over the practice area, over the 3^rd fairway into the far rough. Boycies drive went straight into the hazard on the left, but Stroller and Mr Etiquette were as steady as normal hitting straight drives down the middle with 3 woods.

Sandbasher and Dingle shared a buggy, (who in their right mind would put them two together) on their way back to the club house, items could be seen showering out of their buggy as each one threw the others hats, balls, fags, lighter, score cards, etc.  from their buggy, as one got out to retrieve it, the other drove off leaving them to chase after the buggy.. (they are like two giggling children)

The course was in great condition, and the greens were true, this all added up to good golf being rewarded with good scores.  And as the scores came in after nine holes, it was clear that the course had rewarded good putting and approach play. 14 points being the most popular score, A great 20 points by Mr Anorexic was the highest and Dingle was lowest with 11 points.

During lunch Hans was his usually jovial self cracking funny one liners that had Sandbasher nearly choking. Hans got all spooked out when the waitress asked if there was anybody there, placing a plate in an empty spot, he thought she was holding a chuffin séance.

The afternoon tees were sorted, and first out was Mr Etiquette, Hans, Dingle and Brains. These were the duck eggs of the day all had scored really bad in the morning, this fact was not hidden on the fourth hole where the groundsman was repairing a path on a tractor way off to the left. Dingle was first off the tee, his ball headed straight for the grounds man's head, FORE, went out the cry. Next on the tee was Mr Etequette, his ball went straight for the groundsman's head, FORE, went out the cry.  Next was brains, the groundsman paid a bit more attention this time, the poor bloke thought it was chuffin hail stoning. Brains fired his ball straight for the grounds man's chuffin head, FORE AGAIN, went out the cry.

 Brains was not up to his normal steady self, his putting was not feeling right, and on the 5^th   hole in the afternoons session his tee shot screwed sideways over the 4^th green and bounced onto the car park.. It looked like he was going for the poor tractor driver again. But instead it just landed on a parked cars windscreen

Brains ball on a windscreen in the car park, I hope this driver was in a forgiving mood

In the second group away in the afternoon was Penfold, Sandbasher, Bulb and Lee Majors, the same pattern continued with everyone helping Penfold find his balls in the bushes etc. and this lead to Sandbasher and Bulb diving for cover in their buggy when Lee sent a ball whizzing towards them, hitting its side of their buggy which then ricocheted into the fairway.

The third group saw some of the favourites for the trophy along with a few surprise faces.  Arkwright,  Stroller,  Boycie, and Camel Cheeks, all set off with a chance of glory looking to make a push forward with a strong afternoon.

The last group saw Mr Anorexic, Guru, BetTrev and Dell Boy all with glory in their sights. Anorexic had the advantage but was being pushed all the way by Guru, which one would cope best in the heat? BetTrev also made a great effort but couldn't quite catch the front runners to retain the trophy and Dell Boy was also playing really well.

The duck eggs group, started a mini competition as no-one wanted to be last, this lead to some good golf and good scores, all 4 finished with over 41 points. Mr Etiquettes head went near the end and he put himself under pressure, so much so that he started attacking the sand when his ball went into the bunker on the final hole, and after at least 4 shots, his ball was still in there, It looked like he was digging for oil right in front of the club house, (the locals must have wondered what was going on) It looked like he was having a chuffin epileptic fit ! He then picked his ball out of what was left of the sand, put the ball in his pocket, and stamped off leaving Sandbasher with no lift home.

As the afternoon scores came rolling in, it was plain to see that things were going to be tight at the bottom, with people feeling safe from the wooden spoon with a score of more than  40 points, but the duck eggs had all scored over 41 so the interest became intense. Who was going home with the wooden spoon?

The news that Mr Etiquette had gone home soon filtered through to everyone as they came into the changing rooms, but we had not seen the mood he stamped off in, or the way he couldn't get his ball out of the bunker, so we all missed a real treat.

                                      (So we will  NOT  be mentioning this any more )

Mr Etiquette tosses his dummy from the pram, grabs his keys and heads for his car.

Dinner was served, Dingle placed his jacket on an empty chair and claimed that was Mr Etiquettes place, (who had gone home). When the waitress came Dingle said, “Put his tea there, he's gone for a fag”. As soon as she had gone, Sandbasher and Dingle shared the plate out, only to be caught by the waitress, then while she was there, the great chicken fight began, with Sandbasher and Dingle fighting for the piece of chicken like two big kids, Dingle cut it in half, Sandbasher dived in with both hands and grabbed both pieces to claim victory. Etiquette Mr Captain, Etiquette.. (oh yes  he'd gone home).  Sandbasher sat there with gravy dripping from his scorched fingers, with 2 chicken pieces on his plate and a big smile on his face.

Who won what, who came where & who got the beard?

Who didn’t reach the flat dicks tee?

   First place Guru.    

2nd Place Mr Anorexic

The Golfing Guru took home the Presidents Shield after scoring a superb 56pts (18 & 38) Runner Up spot for Mr Anorexic who is playing really well at the moment (when he can be arsed turning up that is) 54 pts in all (20 & 34) just falling short

3^rd place for defending champ BetTrev with 50pts (18 & 32) 4^th sneaking into the prizes on account of a better 18 in the afternoon Came Cheeks 49pts (17 & 32) just edging out Del Boy 49pts (18 & 31) up to the giddy heights of 6^th for Sam Dingle who had 46pts (11 & 35) in 7^th Hans Christian Connett also on 46pts (12 & 34), next was Sandbasher on 45pts (14 & 31), Boycie on 43pts (16 & 27), Penfold 42pts (14 & 28) Brains 42pts (14 & 28) Lee Majors 42pts (14 & 28) now we delve into those that thought the beard was theirs, with 41pts (12 & 29 ) Mr Etiquette thought it was his & sped off down the east lancs road, Bulb on 40pts (13 & 27) thought it was his but stayed anyway, Stroller definitely thought it was his 33pts (14 & 19) but no, the 10 back 9 pts saved him as our beard winner 33pts (15 & 18) only got 6pts on the back 9 failing to score on the last 5 holes

Who was it?

And last place.... ITS.... Arkwright

As the dust settled from the mass exodus of our members from the bar, (I thought the chuffin bar was on fire the way we exited) 2 lonely figures remained watching Holland and Spain in the world cup. Holland went 3 – 1 up with less than 20 mins remaining, and sandbasher turned to his Dingle and said, “I can see Spain making a comeback here”.. WHAT...WHAT... never since Bet Trev said “kick it,” have I ever heard as much football bollox in all my days.

The lucky 7 update went out via text, the text read.  Roy Finchy had a chance of winning even though he's no longer on our planet with us,  So thick sliced wanted to know where he was then.  WHAT.. WHAT..  THICK SLICED... I can see now that the word “sliced” was a word too many    

Handicap Changes after Houghwood

Mr Anorexic 2 under in the morning loses 0.4 still playing off 10 (9.5)

Del Boy 1 under in the morning loses 0.3 now playing off 14

Golfing Guru 1 under in the morning, 2 under in the afternoon loses 0.6 now playing off 11

Sam Dingle 2 under in the afternoon loses 0.6 still playing off 19 (18.8) 

Ooopps, another one of Micks toys.

On to Hart Common, and the 6^th league match of the season, it’s also Quarter Finals of the match play, 16 of us attended what could be one of the most important matches of the summer. This game could have a great bearing on the league, with it being the home course for some of our members. The sun was shining and a great day was on the cards. 

In the first tee was Captain Sandbasher, Camel cheeks, (who had both come dressed in identical clothing, like 2 gays at a bumming fest) along with 2 guests Andy Mc Vicar and Jimmy Pedro Shaw. Captain Sandbasher looked quite startled when he was on the first tee when a snail and tortoise went dashing past him, but he managed to get us safely on our way. Jimmy nearly had a hole in one on the 2^nd hole, his tee shot lipping out of the hole to finish 2 feet away, he has booked a putting lesson with Sam Dingle after walking off the green with a 4!!! On the fourth hole a shout of “FORE!” was heard, “INCOMING!!” went out as a

a second warning, Jimmy turned his back, crouched down and took a ball right on the ring piece, (Its usually Camel Chops who as balls banging on his arse) “are you alright Jimmy ?” someone asked, “Yes, he said, ”I'm just glad it didn't plug !”

The second tee had 4 Quarter Finalists, Bulb was up against Brains, with Bet Trev playing Mr Etiquette. Mr Etiquette was still being taunted due to him stamping off at Houghwood, even though we have not mentioned it on here, (much) BetTrev was on his own course and was favourite to be in the top few, Brains was in shorts, (his legs are enough to put anyone off their game) and Bulb looked focused and was due a good game.. Basically Bulb & BetTrev both battered their respective opponents, Brains was nett level par after 9 but found himself 5 down after Bulb shot 37 gross, eventually losing 6 & 4, Mr Etiquette was also 5 down after 9 though he was nowhere near nett level after having 51 shots but BetTrev (38 gross) was playing well, BetTrev eventually winning 7 & 6

Then came Golfing Guru, Boycie, Penfold and Thick sliced. On the first tee, Guru went into great detail about every weird turd he had ever gone out of his way to see. Thick sliced was back from a 250 mile walk, Boycie had just been giving a putting lesson to Dingle, (That's a bit like a fart in a gale, Its just makes no difference) Guru could be seen marching the wrong way up the 3^rd hole ? He was shouting something and shaking his head, (he needs to give his head a shake) he had played the wrong ball.. What a cock.. So he marched all the way back from the green holding everyone up, 10 out of 10 for fair play and honesty, but the man's slow enough without dropping bollox like that. Warbies Thick Sliced & Penfold were having a close game in their Quarter Final, until the 8^th hole which Thick Sliced won with an 8 after Penfold donated £1-50 to the splash pot on his way to a TEN, Thick Sliced was 1up after 9 but then won 4 of the next 5 holes to win 5 & 4

The final tee was Mr Anorexic, Sam Dingle, Lee Majors and King Chunner the final guest. Anorexic and Dingle were in a match, with Anorexic playing quite well at the moment, he was quickly into a 3 hole lead and Dingle was defeated before he even got warmed up.  On the 5^th hole Dingle hit his ball near the water, and the ducks ran over to it quacking and pecking it thinking it was bread, then one of them kicked the chuffin ball nearer the water, he thought it was going to roll in.. Chunner was playing really well, on the 11^th hole he decided to check the wind direction, so he grabbed a handful of grass, tossed it up in the air, it promptly blew straight into Dingles face. Dingle was spitting grass for the next 3 holes..  Lee was playing his normal steady game sharing a buggy with Anorexic, Dingle had one of his bright ideas by putting a bottle of water in the freezer the night before, but it did NOT thaw and he went around unable to get a drink all day. (What a penis)

Ooppss, another one of Micks toys

The weather was warm and back in the club house, Sandbashers bar card took a severe beating as the beer flowed freely (well for everyone apart from Basher, it cost him a fortune) the cards were checked. The final positions were listed.

A big well done to Bulb winning with a superb nett 67

And also to Runner Up Bet Trev with a superb nett 68

Sorry for the lack of photo’s of the winner & runner up, numbnuts (below) forgot to send them

 Who got the wig & neckwear? Who thinks he shouldn’t be off 19? Who had 59 on the back 9?

Sam Dingle with the wig & horseshoe at the bar after a horrific nett 90!!

Who had most shots on a hole?

PENFOLD

Who had TEN on the409yd Par 4 6^th

CAMEL CHEEKS

Who had TEN on the 448yd Par 4 18^th

With only 5pts separating the top 6 in Division 1 & only 6pts between the bottom 5, would Mr Etiquette who is 5pts from the top & 6pts from the bottom be in title contention or a relegation battle after round 6, would the holidaying Stroller be left adrift at the bottom, would Sam Dingle’s hour on the driving range & putting lesson off Boycie pay off & get him out of trouble, would the mini league have more than 2 contestants?

Division 1

6pts for Bulb after a superb 67 takes him up to 3^rd in the table just 3pts behind BetTrev who stays at the top after a fine 68 got him 5pts, Sandbasher moves up to 2^nd level par netting him 4pts, Brains drops down to 5^th but only 5pts from the top after a 1over par 73, Mr Etiquette gets 2pts for a 77 but stays in 6^th place, now the 1 pointers The Golfing Guru drops down to 4^th after an 85, Penfold’s 86 opens a 3pt gap from the bottom 2, Camel Cheeks 88 still leaves him in trouble, while all that pre match practice leaves Sam Dingle only 1pt above the bottom 2 after his horrific wig wearing 90

Mini League

6pts for Warbies Thick Sliced stays in 3^rd place but cuts the gap to 2^nd to 2pts after a 75, 5pts for Mr Anorexic a 76 leaves him in 4^th place but only 3pts from 2^nd spot, Boycie’s 78 extends his lead at the top to 4pts from Lee Majors in 2^nd who had an 87

Match Play Results

Quarter Finals

Warbies Thick Sliced beat Penfold 5 & 4

Bulb beat Brains 6 & 4

BetTrev beat Mr Etiquette 7 & 6

9^th – 12^th

Boycie beat Guru 4 & 2

13^th – 16^th

Mr Anorexic beat Sam Dingle 6 & 5

Handicap changes after Hart Common

Bulb 5 under par loses 1.2 now playing off 12

BetTrev 4 under par loses 0.8 now playing off 10 

Big hitting BetTrev fails to reach the flat dicks tee at Houghwood

In next month.s packed issue,  a “Numb Nut & Etiquette” section...  Will Sandbasher get more ink in his printer.... Will the Mystery writer print any copies... Will anybody read this or give a fook anyway...  Will the gardeners have anything left to drink..

Reports from Turton & Altrincham

Report from The Red Bridge Trophy at North Manchester

oooops some more of micks toys