April 2014

 Hazel Grove was the first match this month, only 10 attended due to it being classed as a spare winter game, and a football game being on.. Quiz time. who was playing and what was the score ? Shout out if you know.

It was Sandbashers birthday and he took centre stage with everyone wishing him Happy Birthday and playing his favourite tune on the mobile ring tone. After a short 25 mins or so, trying to sort out the “yellow ball” comp. rules so the thickos could grasp what was going on, the draw for tees began, All the committee was drawn in the last tee, second tee saw 6 fingers and FAT chops in the same tee, so we had to put an adult with them so they could work out what was going on, (sorry Howwy) Which left Les, Terry & Kev, to get us on the way. 

BetTrev had announced that all the par 3s were open for the 2`s pot and it wasn`t long before it was won by Les on the second hole with a great putt from around 12ft to the right of the pin. 6 fingers started to do a version of YMCA on the first fairway, it turned out he had left his hat on the first tee and was signalling for someone to pick it up. The yellow ball format did work quite well in all the groups until the 5^th hole when (John Light)Bulb in the committee 4 ball blasted a great hook shot into a farmer’s field, ending the committee chance of glory.  Down to 2 groups in with a chance and no-one knew how the other was doing so they were trying to keep an eye on the others yellow ball. 6 fingers was seen struggling with it at one time in one group, Kev also had some scary moments, but both teams finished with the yellow ball in their hand and on the same score. Les, Kev, and Terry won on a count back. 

We all enjoyed the 3^rd annual birthday bash. Thanks to 6 fingers for the extensive efforts he must have put in to finding the worst hotel in Southport or maybe the Northwest. It made Auschwitz look posh, it had windows that didn`t close, water coming through the ceiling, a bloody great hole in the dining room ceiling, the heating went off at ten, the radiators were cold when they were supposed to be on, the showers were cold, the windows were filthy, the “cleaners” are facing trade description charges, the beds were like bastard pencils, the décor was dated, but not as dated as the roast spuds, there was no car parking, this is just a few points, 

I don`t want to go on and offend him by saying anything more, or mentioning that we are not all from chuffin Breightmet!!

On the plus side, we are all home now the frost has thawed from our arseholes, the salmonella has subsided and we are not letting him sort anything else ever again.

                                                                                                                                     Breightmet Golf Tours is no more!!!

The golf at Southport was great with some really nice courses, the first of which was Southport and Ainsdale, Sandbasher took immediate control on the first morning and drew the tee positions for everyone for all the weekend. Then he left the sheets in Mr Etiquette’s car and made it up as we went along. “BetTrev” sorted out the normal gambling routine, in his best winter jester’s hat. Fat Chops came in all new golf gear including golf bag but not new balls, after the 1^st 4 holes FAT Chops had lost 4 balls good job he’d squirreled 2 away in his cheeks!! Mr Etiquette forgot his golf shoes & had to delve into old stock from the back of his car. Everyone was on the practice putting green, honing their skills, and you could feel the big match tension in the air. 6 fingers decided it would be a 3 day stableford competition for the 11 of us that were there for the full 3 days with prizes for the overall winner & runner up. 

The day started with FAT Chops losing a ball with his first shot, Bulb bought a £3 brew put it on the floor to cool for a minute, then promptly ran it over with his trolley.

Sir John Doyle scored a tremendous 35 points and stole the honours on the first day, snapping at his ankles with a creditable 34pts was Spit the Dog, in 3rd place & leading the chasing pack was Les “Stroller” Molyneux with 29pts, Sandbasher & FAT Chops had 28pts each, Kev Jennings was on 27pts, Mr Etiquette & BetTrev were both on 25pts, that now brings us to the

Thought of the day...  Bulb.  “I think I need break from golf” after scoring a tremendous 22 points.

Then finally there’s these 2 wig wearing wannabe’s (Rob Warburton)Thick Slice & 6 fingers on a miserly 21pts each

Day 2 Bring on Formby hall.. A force 7 gale, and rain, and hail stone, and 37 pond’s on the course.. there`s less water between here and France than there is on that course, and all the water levels have risen by 8 inches due to the amount of balls our lads put in them. Hans Christian Connett, (no longer Spit the Dog) (a tale for every occasion, “I knew this chap once...”) took an unusual putting arrangement through the hailstone, and sunk his putt on the third bounce off the Ice side guard rail. 

Bulb, FAT Chops & Sir John Doyle All walked off after 9, Leaving Guru & his personal raincloud on his own. Mr Etiquette Missed out 3 holes and joined in again for the last 2.. why ?,

Rob Warbie Thick Slice decided to get a coffee after 9 to warm him up, “This coffee is freezing,” he complained, the gent just said “I know, I've been stood here 6 hours with it” another £3 well spent. After the round BetTrev gave us all an insight into his footballing tactical genius by telling Rooney to “kick it”

6 fingers went from zero to hero to take the honours for the day with a great 27 points in absolutely awful conditions bringing him right back into the comp as the chasing pack were 6pts behind!! Thick Slice, Stroller & BetTrev had 21pts, Kev Jennings 20pts, Sandbasher 19pts, Hans Christian Connett 16pts & Mr Etiquette managed the grand total of 11pts!!!

Thought of the day... Bulb. “I think I need break from golf ” after walking off after 9.

Back to Fawlty Towers, were after tea the T shirts came out, with a picture of 6 fingers in one of his most flattering poses, 

                                                                                                                                   Sam Dingle models the medium sized t shirt

The LFC quilt and pillow case went on Sandbashers bed, a phone was hidden in his room with “you`ll never walk alone” ringtone.

                                                                                                                                                Bulb lying under a pile of shite

Some lads went to the casino, the others sat in the bar, Mr Etiquette went straight to bed. Whilst in the bar Match of the day came on the tv featuring Russell Brand as a pundit, Someone said “what the hell is he doing on there?” some wag replied “it’s coz BetTrev was unavailable as he is here in Southport with us”

                                                                                                                        Looking back up the 1^st fairway at Formby Golf Club

Day 3

   Started with some ruff looking heads, a Liverpool quilt had been thrown down the hotels stairs, a phone had been flushed down the bog, people were running to reload their cars with parking tickets. Bring on Formby Men’s and the sunshine, but most looked like they were ready for a return to bed rather than a game of golf. The course was brill, the weather was good, and 8 people were within 5 points of the leaders and had a chance of picking up the prize money. It all looked like it was going to be really tight, but how did Formby men’s affect the scores.

Hans Chritian Connett was in with a big shout of the winnings but didn't have the best of starts, and blobbed the first few holes, with the wind playing a big part in the front half of the course

Every one of the leaders had an idea they could pick up the winnings until the last tee came in and both Stroller and Sandbasher ended up sharing the honours with a 78 points agg. score over the 3 days. A full 5 points clear of their nearest rival.

Sandbasher took the honours on the day with 31pts, Mr Etiquette a close 2^nd with 30pts, Stroller & FAT Chops both had 28pts, Sir John Doyle had 27pts, BetTrev 26pts, Warbies Thick Slice, Kev Jennings & 6 fingers all had 25pts, Hans Christian Connett managed to get 19pts Which leaves us with

 The thought of the day... Bulb “I think I need break from golf” after scoring a magnificent 18pts (10 of which came in the last 5 holes!!)

 Despite the hotel from hell it was a great weekend. Bring on Birthday Bash 4 as BetTrev & Mr Etiquette celebrate their 60^th & 50^th respectively.

Back to Society Golf

Sunday 30^th March it was the final game of the winter season, 12 golfers headed up to the hills of Blackburn (very surprised Stu didn’t make it seeing as he probably has relatives up there!!) for the Rowson Pairs Comp which was very kindly Sponsored by Howard (Brains) Wadsworth  

Warbie Thick Slice had the honour of drawing out the pairs, pairing himself with ”I think I need a break from golf” Bulb. Brains & Alan Unsworth were defending Champs looking to make it 3 on the spin, the other pairings looking to stop them were Birthday bash winners Stroller & Sandbasher, Mr Etiquette & Penfold, BetTrev & Boycie, the final pair was FAT Chops & it’s only half a game Guru. It was decided in the clubhouse that the 2’s pot wouldn’t be played for due to the alternate shot format, it was also pointed out that the fairway mats policy was in use or the ball could be taken to the semi rough.

Prior to starting, BetTrev gave his customary speech “Right lads listen up, today’s 2’s hole is the 16^th err no it’s not, today’s nearest the pin is the 16^th, also don’t forget it’s pick n place on the fairways, oh shit what am I on about, it’s take it to the side or use a mat”  

This year’s Rowson Pairs winners are Warbies Thick Slice & Bulb who came in with a fine 2under par 69 which included 4 putting the final green! Runners up on level par 71 on a card count back were BetTrev & Boycie a horrific 8 on the 11^th proved very costly, defending champs Alan & Brains were also left to rue an 8 this time on the 13^th as they also finished level par, FAT Chops & Guru finished 1 over on 72, Sandbasher & Stroller had a 75 way too many missed putts from those 2, the best being on the 14^th where Stroller 15ft away attempted to lag it only to see it roll 6ft off the green, which leaves us with this woeful pair Penfold & Mr Etiquette who finished 10 shots behind the winners on 79  grabbing their only par on the 18^th

Quote of the day goes to......??? Who prior to teeing off on the 18^th said “Have we both had 9 tee shots each, now?”

Take a bow Mr Guru 

                                                                                                                                      Worthy Winners Bulb & Warbies Thick Slice

The Summer Knockout

The draw for the groups had been done at the last meeting, since then Rob Greenhalgh has resigned from the society & Alan Unsworth didn’t wish to be entered into it, both had been drawn in Group C, With both Groups A & B having 5 players, it was decided to take 1 player out of A &B and place them in Group C we now have 4 groups of 4

 Group A

Hans Christian Connett

Warbies Thick Slice

Sam Dingle

Stroller

Group B

WinnyMongo

FAT Chops

Sandbasher

Penfold

Group C

Guru

Lee Majors

BetTrev

Bulb

Group D

Boycie

Arkwright

Mr Etiquette

Brains

Coming up in the next issue

Reports from the 1^st 2 Summer league games at Walmersley on the 13^th April & Davenport on the 27^th April

Report from the 1^st Major of the Summer, The Elmer Fudd Challenge Trophy at Knott End on Friday 25^th April

Bog seat update

And whatever else our mystery writer can think up

League Tables etc etc can be viewed on the website

www.oakiegs.com